S. A. D. And My Constant Battle With Chronic Depression

January 1, 2012



Good Morning,

Wishing everyone a Very Happy and Healthy New Year.

Sometimes chronic depression becomes debilitating.  I have been battling this illness for over 20 years and have been on anti depressants for that length of time.  I am proud to say that I have never found a reason or need to hide that fact.  I always have told the truth to anyone that listened about my fight with depression and  I always, always felt that if I can help someone else make the right choice for themselves in their own struggle with chronic depression, than it was worth telling.  I have never encountered anyone putting me down for that or thinking that I am crazy.  And if they did, then it was their problem and not mine.  I also realized that chronic depression is genetic and although our ancestors did not deal well with that disorder, it was quite widely misunderstood, and therefore, anyone that suffered with it tried to hide it from themselves and their friends for fear of being ridiculed. Today, thank G-d it is well understood disorder and there are many ways that one can help himself with overcoming it.

For many years I felt very good and took my medicine very regularly, but I so wanted to get off the constant relaying on medicine, and I thought that since I know how to cope with life, in my wisdom of the moment I decided to take myself off that medical treatment.

I know, I know what you will say, depression is another type of illness, and just like you would not take yourself off from your cholesterol pills, you should not take yourself off from your depression pills.  But I felt so good, and for quite a long time after getting off my medicine I did feel rational and well.  So I thought that I had it finally licked.  I was so happy that I won that struggle.  Well, I did not.

It hit me with a vengeance.  SAD hit me and I feel like I am still falling into a black hole.  It is so difficult to get through the day.  When the sun starts going down my whole body starts falling, and I just have no strength to stay afloat.  The last few weeks were hard and I felt like there was no good reason to go on, I started to feel despair, and every little thing set me crying.  I cry and cry non stop.  I feel angry, and ashamed of myself for even thinking that there was no good reason to go on.  How could I even think this way when there are people with terminal illnesses fighting to live with each breath that they take.  But, the despondency, melancholia, despair, constant heartache was there, and it truly was real.  It felt real and therefore, it is real!

Today, I feel somewhat better and will try my hardest to stay on course. I plan to fight it another day with the hope that I will overcome it, and maybe tomorrow I will fight some more, until the day will come and I will be well again, but in the meantime I made an appointment to see my family doctor, just in case I cannot do it alone.

I recognize my illness, and know that my medication will put me back on the right road to getting better, but in my heart I have not given up the desire to do it on my own.

SO wish me luck.

Just woke up, and am getting ready to take the express bus to Manhattan.

Have an appointment with Ear Throat and Nose Specialist.  Want to schedule an appointment for a surgery.  During my last visit to the doctor's office, after being examined, I was told that I am a good candidate for Baha Implant.  The Baha is surgically implanted system for treating hearing loss.  It allows sound to be conducted through the bone rather than via the middle ear. It allows the sound to travel to the inner ear bypassing the auditory canal and middle ear.  The vibrating implant sets up vibrations within the skull and inner ear that finally stimulate the nerve fibers of the inner ear, allowing hearing.  In conclusion it is an implanted hearing aid for people like me that suffer with severe hearing loss.

I have been struggling with hearing loss since I was a little girl in Poland.  Of course being a child I did not understand very much what was happening, but as I learned more and more about my hearing loss, I understood that my hearing loss was caused by  chronic infections that resulted in discharge.  My ear was always running, and because of that I remember always having a piece of cotton lodged in my ear.  That was needless to say did not help me to hear better.  All my life, listening to the teachers was a difficult task.  I did not do well in school, and was a mediocre student.  That also did not help me in believing in myself.  Thinking all the time that I am not capable of being a good student did not give me a good feeling about myself.  Only years later, many years later when I started seeing a therapist for my depression did I understand how my hearing impacted my being a good student.

To be continued on my next post....

A Bottle Of Wine

My Dear Friends  Hi,




Last week a close friend of mine invited me to her home for a small farewell dinner she was giving to a special dear friend of ours.


In January, this friend is leaving New York and is relocating to Florida where her daughter and her son have moved many years ago.  Her daughter has become a wife and a mother of a handsome son, and now she is expecting a new addition to her family, a little princes, a girl.


I have had the pleasure of being her friend for many many years, and as much as I am saddened to see her leave NY and me, I understand her and wish her well.  She wants to bond with her grandchildren, and with her retirement, wants to make a new life for herself.

When the decision to have a little farewell dinner was made I was delegated to buy the wine.  I quickly consented.  As long as I did not have to cook I was happy to oblige in any other way.  The evening of the party came and I did not wish to drive so I was picked up and on the way to the dinner I made a stop to the liqueur store.  I explained to the owner of the establishment what exactly I was looking for in the wine.  It had to be red wine, sweet, but not too sweet, it had to have a pleasant taste, aroma, and substance, and once you have taken a sip you would appreciate and luxuriate in the contentment of the moment.  I did not think that I was asking for too much, and the proprietor knew exactly to point me in the right direction.


I paid, and walked out.  We had wonderful dinner, and my friends congratulated me on picking up such a wonderful bottle of wine.  We talked, laughed and ate, and talked some more and made occasional toasts to all our good health, and happiness.  We wished our friend well, and in general I must say the evening went quite well.


Around 11:00 PM we decided to head home.  I got my jacket on and as usual my routine is to take my car and home keys out of my pocketbook.  I do that routinely, even though this time I was not in the driver's seat.  Not getting too excited, I patted the packets of my jacket, and still staying calm I started searching around the area.  In the meantime I am talking to my friends, and then a little panicky bell set in and I ask my friends if they seen my keys.  Now they too are looking around, I have this feeling that I just placed them unconsciously somewhere near and I will find them immediately.


To my horror, I did not find them anywhere, not in my pocketbook, not in my jacket, not on my anywhere, and nowhere around.  By now, a full blown panic attack sets in, I am imagining these horror pictures in my mind.  The most fearful picture that comes to mind is that I will have to buy a new lock cylinder for my car with a new set of keys.  And that my friends, I am sure that you all  are aware, is very very costly.  My heart sank just at the thought of money that will be paid uselessly.


Everyone tried to comfort me by suggesting that I most likely left the keys at the liqueur store.  And that could very well have been, but I just could not get passed through the fact of "how much replacing the old keys with a new set will ultimately cost me.  And that is where I tried to follow Jacques Lusseyran's theory that he describes in his book "And There Was Light".  I have already stated at my previous post that Jacques became blind when he was a child, at the tender age of eight years old.  He keeps on saying that when he stayed calm in a stressful situation he saw the light, he could actually see it.  But no sooner he panicked the light left him.  So with that in mind I tried to keep the light going.  I closed my eyes and tried to stay calm, and at some points of that time I did see my keys on the counter where I left them when I took out my wallet to pay for the wine.


Not every moment of that night was that calm, I kept on seeing myself spending hundreds of dollars on a new car key, whereas I could have been buying my grandchildren some more gifts or even better keeping it for myself for future need, and the night seemed to last forever.  I thank G-d that the store would reopen at 12:00 noon the next day.  So the next day 11:30 AM I decided to take a walk because I just could not stay home and also stay calm the last  half an hour.  So I walked, it was a very calm morning and by the time I arrived, the liqueur store was open.  I walked in and lo and behold, the keys were sitting at the exact same place where I left them the night before.  The proprietor told me that he did not know who left them there so he just did not want to touch them.  He hoped that someone would turn up to claim them. 


So, I have to remember and follow more carefully and with more conviction to what Jacques had to say in his book, listen to myself, and believe in what I hear within my being.


 And so, because I was very, very happy with the end result, in my gratitude I bought three bottles of wine.  


My heart was light like the air that I breathed when I walked outside.  

Bottle of Wine @ My Car Key

Holidays

Christmas and Hanukkah Holidays are here.

We all find ourselves being  busy with buying just the right gifts for the people in our lives.

I want to wish you all a very wonderful holiday season.  The gifts that we buy for all our loved ones are tokens of our love.  As we give those gifts we are expressing our deepest emotions, our love.  There is nothing more powerful than the love that we give to each other.  This love, this fire in each one of us, needs to be kindled and nourished to stay alive everyday of our lives.

We all know that  without love we have nothing.  So don't forget to say "I love you" this time of the year and everyday thereafter, for the rest of your lives.

Happy Hanukkah, Happy Christmas to each and every one.

I Wish I Had Courage To Express My Feelings

"3) I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.


In order to keep peace, many people suppress their feelings.  But if we aren't in touch with our feelings and don't speak honestly about them when we need to, we crush ourselves, diminishing the person we are meant to be."


                     Written by Bonnie McFarland 
                     Article named: "5 choices you may regret"
                     Dated November 30, 2011   


Dear Friends, Good Morning


As I do every morning, the usual routine for me is to sit myself next to my computer and check my email.  


Few years ago I subscribed to VibrantNation.Com, a magazine with its readers on line, their website gears to issues related to women over 50+.  They have many wonderful articles, some hit right home, and some just make me laugh, and none are ever boring, it is truly a worth to read and wonderful magazine.  


This morning, feeling as usual the loneliness and alienation that is my constant companion,  I came across the writing of Bonnie McFarland article which was written under the title of "5 Choices You May Regret".  In the 3rd choice, "I wish I'd the courage to express my feelings", Ms. McFarland states that we women over 50 don't always tell or have the courage to express our true feelings, I felt as if  she was talking to me.  


So many moments in my life did I do just that.  Even when I was a little girl, and my parents quarreled, all I wanted for them was to be happy and live in harmony.  I never told them how angry I felt, I never told them that it hurt me to watch them always being cross.  I never told them how scared I was that they would divorce and leave me.  I never told them that I hurt for them because of what happened to them during the war, and that was why it was so important for them to be loving and strong in relationship with each other. I did not know how to say it, I did not know the language of my thoughts. I understood the raw feelings that were within me and could not express them, but you must understand, I was just a child. So I suppressed my troubled feelings and became a good girl.  A girl that listened to her parents, and did what was told.  I just did not want to be a burden to my parents. I diminished my person, my self.  I became what they wanted me to be.  I learned well, and as I grew older my inner voice told me that if I stay as I am, I will be loved.


As a woman I did that too with my own family.  


Now that I am 66 years old, I find myself suppressing my feelings again and again.  And because I want to keep peace and do not want to hear your annoyance with me, and above all,  I do not want to have a confrontation with you,  I do not tell you how I feel, and if I do, I get feedback that does not mirror what I feel!  Hey, you out there, yes you, the most important people in my life why you do not have the time for me?   Why do you not call me, speak to me, why don't I hear your voice, why don't I feel your warm tender touch on my shoulder, or a kiss on my cheek?  Why don't I hear the doorbell ring, and when I open the door why don't I see you there with a beautiful smile on your faces? Why don't I see you more often?  The people that I would do anything in the world for.  I hardly feel your love. I want to tell you that it is not enough to know that you love me. I want to tell you that I need to see it, feel it, laugh with it and laugh with you, speak it, and make it.  Make the miracle of love work on every level.  


Days go by and all I hear is my own thoughts, my own voice, my own heart, I hear myself, my own silence.  Thank G-d to my friends, they validate who I am, they know who I truly am.  They hug me, they give me love, they truly understand and are never too busy to validate me.   


From the most important people in my life I hear silence.


I do not want to cut myself off from the most important people in my whole world.  I want to be counted, I want to be validated and I want to be shown how much you love me, not need me.  I want ...... and I want your hug and your warm gentle hand on my shoulder.  I always want touch you, always love you, always want to kiss you, why you cannot do that for me?


Dear friends, is that too much to ask for?  
I wonder my friends, do you feel what I feel.  

December 15, 2011

My Friends Hi,

It is the middle of December, and I have not had the "aspiration" to change my summer wardrobe to a winter one. Up until today, I did not find the need for the change, the weather  has been quite warm  - in the 50's.  In fact, today when I went out I found my neighbor washing his car and all he was wearing was a light shirt , there was absolutely no need for anything heavier.  So I am telling myself that tomorrow I will make the change and tomorrow comes, and the same summer stuff is still hanging in my closet.  It is not a very big job because all my winter gear is sitting on the shelves in the same closet with my summer articles, folded neatly away. All I have to do is take them out, shake them out and hang them where the summer stuff used to hang.  Then fold my summer things and place them on the shelves where the winter stuff was.  No big deal, no hustle,  and I believe that any day now, very very soon I will have to do it, because one morning I will wake up and say,  "WOW"  because overnight it snowed and the ground is covered with 10'' of snow and the wind gust is like 40 miles an hour, and it is time to wear my heavy sweaters.  But dear G-d, please when it happens let me be in Florida, sitting comfortably next to my sister and watching with her the news on her television.

And another thing, it is very difficult for me to sustain my positive energy in the winter time.  I would have loved to just go to bed and wake up in the spring like the Polar Bears do.  A long deep snooze, where I dream of spring and a new beginnings.  I know, I know I should consider myself lucky, I mean after all I have so much to be thankful for and that I am.  I am very thankful for all the things that I have and I am able to do and accomplish, but at the same time, I just wish that I could just go to sleep and wake up in the spring.

Hanukkah and Christmas are coming, matter of fact, it is just around the corner.   I have already bought some nice gifts for my grandchildren.  Holiday's could be very costly.  In the past when I worked I also bought gifts for my friends at work.  We made it a ritual of exchanging gifts at Christmas.  I loved to decorate my gifts with my own creative wrappings.  There was one Christmas for example where I went to crafts store and bought little shopping bags, red, blue and green.  Red and green for my Christian friends and blue bags for my Jewish friends.  During the week I would take sparkling glue sticks that came in every color of coloring pencils and then I would design each bag individually.  I would use different decorative designs,  on some I would use silver sparkling glue stick and draw a snowman and fill in the body with silver sparkling color glue, then I would take a red one and use it for his nose and his hat, a brown or black for his eyes and a stick that the snowman would hold.  Around the bag I would design all kinds of small snowflakes, and then I would put it on a different table so it could dry overnight.  I would do the same with the blue bags, but on them I would draw a beautiful Menora with different color candles and red, yellow and silver glue sticks to render the flame flickering from the candles.  In the morning when they were dry to touch they looked so beautiful.  That is when I would put  a colored tissue paper in each bag and then the last but not least the gift would go into the bag.  I than would use color ribbons to tie the bags with so that the gift would sit firmly.  The last thing that would go on those beautiful bags would be a name tag with each person's name and my name on the bottom.

It was a long process and sometimes I just wanted to chuck it all, I think that my friends at work liked my gifts and the wrapping.  They knew that I did it for them so that the spirit of giving would be felt.  It was not only the gift that mattered.  To me what mattered was the thought and the process of making something beautiful for the person that would receive my gift.  The gift was meant to state, "my friend, I like you and you matter to me."

The Gifts

All In One Basket

So when you look at these photos what do you my friend see?

I want to let you know what I see,

Well, for one I see the colors of the world.  Wherever I go, I see these colors.  Look at that tree, what a magnificent feast of colors, the greens, the oranges, the yellows, and the marvelous reds.  All under the same roof with the background of blue skies.  The dark brown of the tree and its branches give the whole picture just the right depth and accent.  Just like when you decorate a room.  All the magnificent vibrations of color, accented with a deep brown to bring it all together in one basked.  So you can understand why I never have enough and why I am never satiated.  All my life I have plucked the fruit of the nature, and I have never had enough.  I get so hungry that I go hunting for more.  I drive down the highways and I swear to you, I get off the road, and stop my car (I do not forget to lock the car), ran out into the highway sometimes cursing myself for not carrying my camera with me, and so very happy and thankful that someone had the ingenuity to invent phones with built in cameras.  So I take out my phone and like a crazy lady that I might look like, I shoot photos holding my phone way up high so that I could get the right moment.

The other day I was driving on an expressway, listening to music, when from the corner of my eye I noticed the sky, the sky darkened, and it looked like it was going to rain, but what was weird about the whole scene was the fact that even though the sky darkened, from the other side of the horizon, the sun shone and it gave the darkened clouds this light transparent look.  The trees around me shone with light. Imagine dark sky, and yet light penetrating through the trees and the leaves shone with brightness of light playing an amusing game, entertaining itself.  Dodging in and out to leave a sparkle of light behind for me to see.  Do you wonder why I made an emergency exit.  I needed to own it, to make it my own.  I just could not leave the sumptuous meal behind.  I needed to satiate myself, rest and close my eyes and see the  most delicious meal in my mind, over and over again.

Because I love color and light, I started to read the book that I mentioned on my previous post, I have not finished it yet, and am cherishing every page, the book's name is "And There Was Light".  The story is true, the person that tells the story became blind at a very young age, and yet he goes on to tell the story of his life being blind and yet seeing the light.  He is not talking in religious terms, the light  never left him wherever he went, it shone itself on objects, and he tells us that he saw. He saw the world and its objects. "A light so continuous and so intense was so far beyond my comprehension that sometimes I doubted it".  "Colors, all the colors of the rainbow, also survived.  For me, the child who loved to draw and paint, colors made a celebration so unexpected  that I spent hours playing with them..."  - from an autobiography of Jacques Lusseryran.  You my friends should try to get a hold of this book and read it too.

Light plays a very important role in my life, and I relate  and connect on a very deep level with Jaques.  As I continue  reading the pages of his book, I understand him at the very deep level of my imagination, of my ability to see the light and color even when I close my eyes.  Now by no means do I want to imply that I see like he did, or do I wish to be blind to see like he did.  I just want to make you understand that I too love color and light with my heart and that is why I paint.  Find me in an art supply store, and you will never be able to get me out.  The rainbow of colors make my soul shiver with excitement.

The Gift